Missing my little sister....

So it has been about 7 months since Jessie has passed away and it has been almost a blur to me. To think that she isn't just a phone call away for me to bug about the latest movies or songs. She isn't in the other room watching "America's Next Top Model" or the other shows she always DVR'd to watch on the weekends. Just so many things make me think of her on a daily basis and I am sure that it will forever.

I think really the hardest thing has been watching my parents go through this hardship together. As a young adult, you know that someday your parents will pass away. That is the natural progression of life. And as a sibling, you know that someday one of you will have to live through the loss of the other. To me it is almost like the loss of one leg or arm. It is awkward to learn to move through life without the other.

But as a parent, to lose a child, especially when she was in the prime of her life, is the hardest thing. My parents should not have had to go through this but for some reason it happened and they did. There is not right or wrong way to grieve; there is just grief that is there every day. It is ever present in all that we do without Jessie here with us. We see things and think of her. We judge peole and remember her Judgeanator. We think about trips we wanted to go on and how she will not be with us physically but with us spiritually. How she will never be married and have children or even be an Auntie to my children.

I feel all of these things and my parents feel them too but on a different level.

I don't think it will ever be the same and it is not suppose to be the same. You learn to live with a scar and huge scab on your heart and sometimes a song on the radio just picks at it to make is hurt. You learn to live with it and move on.

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One wonderful that has happened after Jessie's passing has been that my parents were able to establish an endowment at the University of Nevada~Reno where we both went to school. Jessie's scholarship has been established to help an upper level Journalism student who is focusing on Strategic Communications. When Jessie was a student at UNR she was on two different groups and did very well. I know that Jessie would have wanted to help students to follow in her footsteps and she was always so appreciative of the help she got while going to school here. The first scholarship was given away at the Savitt's Award Dinner at UNR on May 8th to Katie Hippert. She is a lovely young lady and I know that if she had had the chance to meet Jessie they would have been instant friends.

If anyone is interested in donating to Jessie's scholarship to contribute to the endowment for future scholarships, you can make a donation to the following:

University of Nevada, Reno
1664 N Virginia St / 0162
Reno, NV 89557

In the comment line of the check please write "Jessie A Turner Memorial Scholarship" so that funds go into that account.

2012....not the same without Jessie.

So it is the start of a new year. Actually it is almost past the first quarter of the year and almost 6 months since Jessie passed away.

March 8th was her birthday. She would have been 30 years old. It is weird. For some reason in my life, I never thought I would see 30. Not like I was a crazy wild-child or lived dangerously. But I also knew in my life I would be married when I was 27, that he would be tall, dark and handsome and that his last name would start with an 'A'. Maybe I am psychic in a way. My mom use to say that her mom would talk to ghosts. Maybe that passed on to me? Maybe I can feel the waves in the Force?

I also knew when my Grandpa passed away. He was in Northern California and I was in Reno for a conference. I knew when he passed away. I felt him with me and I just knew.

So it is just weird to think that Jessie passed away before she was 30. I think about her throughout the day. I think about her every morning when I go to work and when I get home. If I hear one of her favorite songs I think of her.

I love you Jessie and miss you very much.

Here is a picture that Lacey made. Thought I would share.....

Jessie.....

Here is the obituary that I wrote for Jessie that was published here in Reno:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/rgj/obituary.aspx?n=jessie-turner&pid=154077184

I guess she was so 'popular' of a news story that the newspaper decided to do a special article on her. It is a fitting tribute to my little sister:

http://www.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2011110300348

She will always be the smiling angel looking down on me. She is doing ok though, I know that she is. Brian and I went to Disneyland for a week and just got back. I will upload some pictures in the next week but while flying home I was thinking of Jessie and the last time we went somewhere on vacation was our trip to Mexico. I was thinking of her laughing and smiling and I swear I heard her laughing on the plane. I know she was with Brian and I as we went on the rides and had a great time.

Happy Halloween Jessie :)

The end of a bloom in life....

Jessie passed away last Monday 10/10/11. She was at home surrounded by constant love with Mom and Dad and myself.

Sunday was a really hard day for me. Jessie wasn't really responsive; just really tired and having some trouble getting air. So called the nurse and she said that her body was starting its 'shut off' process. I was not aware that the body does that but I guess it does. She said the keep Jessie comfortable as we would only have 24-36 hours left! I couldn't believe what she was saying. As the nurse left us to go along with the process, I just felt like my heart was going to stop. How can you measure what time you have left on earth. I know Jessie heard and I feel that she decided that she still had some fight in her. She didn't want to go just yet. I told my Dad that it was time to call the priest for Jessie to have her last rites.

Sunday night was a long night - no sleep. We just cried and cried over Jessie. I know that it must have been hard for her too as Mom said it seemed like Jessie was upset and crying too. We talked to her and tried to comfort her with her meds. We got to share with her our love and kisses and hugs. We got to tell her how sorry we were and how we would do what we can to make things better. It was just a long, long night.

Monday the sun came up and I ended up going to bed a bit in my room while Mom and Dad continued the vigil on Jessie. Dad called Uncle Steve and his cousins in California to tell them what was going on. Steve drove straight from San Francisco to be with us. Brian's mom Therese came by to and spent a few hours with us as we held Jessie's hand and stroked the few bits of hair on her head. Cousin Donna and Heidi arrived just as the hospice nurse was leaving to check on Jessie. They said that when they were heading towards us they saw a rainbow leading them to our home.

Jessie passed away surrounded by us all around 6:45pm. She fought until her last breathe but when it was time she opened her eyes and smiled! I know that her spirit left her and she was free. All I think was that she was free from the pain and suffering. Her body just couldn't keep up with her spirit and it was time for her to go. She waited until she knew that we had someone there to help us and comfort us like we were there to comfort her.

Jessie was the 'delicate flower' when she was in the hospital. Everyone that met her loved her; she was a beautiful and loving soul. I will miss my little sister but I know that she is always with me, always there to watch over me. I have been truly blessed to have had her as my sister and my best friend.

I love you Jessie.......

August/September Update

Time for another update...


Jessie came home the first part of August after spending a lot of time at the hospital. We finally got her cleared to do at-home chemotherapy through her insurance so we got her home and got things going. She was doing really well and all was great. Finally got a routine down with Jessie's meds and such. I got up at 6am for her first dose of pills, got her cleaned up and turned after sleeping on her side for the night, got ready for work and gave her the 8am pills before I left her in Dad's care. It worked our pretty well for us.



Then she got her second at home chemo session and got really sick. Over the Labor Day weekend she was really weak and tired. The nurse came and during a routine blood work found that her blood count was dangerously low. She was at a 5 where 12 is normal. So we had to rush her to the ER for a major blood transfusion and plasma was also needed due to her coumadin (blood thinner) level was so high. I felt like when we took her to the hospital that she would be there for a few days and then all would be well. Of couse I was wrong.



Jessie ended up in the hospital for a week and the oncologist finally said that he couldn't do anything more for Jessie. The chemo treatment is just too much for her body to deal with; causing way more harm than good. He said that it was time to take her home and start hospice care so she can be comfortable and enjoy whatever time she has left. Needless to say that was not what Dad and I wanted to hear but we understood. He gave us his 'medical advice' on her remaining time but that is besides the point. She doesn't have an expiration date so we didn't tell her that. She doesn't need that looming over her.



So Dad started to get the arrangements made to get Mom up here to spend time with us. I helped get Jessie home and comfortable and the get hospice started. The people with hospice are very nice. They have to be; this is definitely an unique job and takes a very special person to be able to work in this field. Jessie, of course, is still very clear thinking and wanted to know why we had different nurses so I had to explain that we can't do anymore chemo and switched nursing care to the hospice company. She was so upset and I don't blame her. But I was strong when telling her and explaining that we are doing what is best to keep her out of the hospital and health and comfortable at home. I think that hospice is great because they take care of all of her prescriptions (no more waiting in line at Walgreens) and they bring everything to the house and do it all! For time efficiency reasons, it makes perfect sense. And their social worker explained to Jessie that they have people on hospice care for years so she doesn't need to worry.



Jessie is still strong although she has crappy days and good days. She actually is more aware of things now that she is out of the hospital and we have had so many people stop by and visit everyday of the week! Her friends at one of her old jobs made a lot of pre-made dinners for us and bought frozen food (via our 'meals on wheels' Lacey) that it has truly been a blessing for us. Mom and Dad are so touched and amazed at the love shown to Jessie. She has touched so many lives and this is just proof of that.



So now it is the end of September and we just don't know what the next weeks or months will bring. Jessie still has an amazing smile and laughs and cares about so much. She is my best friend and sister forever. Whatever life brings I know she will be okay :)







Here is a quick collage I made on my iphone of her and her flowers. Always smiling and happy!

10 Years ago....

So I thought I would post a quick note about what has changed in the past 10 years, just easy to notice, simple stuff:

* Graduated from UNR - Wow! Really it has been 10 years? I am getting old. I graduated 10 years ago and it just doesn't seem that long ago. The days of going to class, melting in the August heat for Marching Band, staying up late to write papers and make presentations in PowerPoint seem like only yesterday...

*Got a big girl job - After graduating from UNR I was looking for a full time job. At the time I was working part time at Best Buy (the first one in Reno by Barnes and Noble). I had been there since they opened in 1999 and though maybe I could stay there for a while. The management however didn't want to offer me full time. They said "You have a negative attitude". I seem to get that a lot but I have found it isn't me having a bad attitude; they don't like having free thinking employees speak up for themselves or point out problems/issues and try to fix them. So after a few months of stringing me along with the hopes of full time job, I decided to look online with the State of Nevada and TA-DA! Got my current job at UNR. So I have been here 10 years and seems like only yesterday I was the green grasshopper in the department.

*Got a new car - Mom and Dad helped to get me a new car once I graduated. When I first came to UNR I was driving my awesome 1977 Chevy Nova. It did ok the first year or so when I lived on campus and wasn't driving it every day. But when I moved off campus and had to commute, it was not a happy camper. It didn't like the altitude and the cold. So Mom and Dad let me drive the Mitsubishi Galant (which Jessie and I drove into the ground) during the rest of my college days. Once I graduated they helped me get a 2001 Toyota Carolla and I am still driving it today. It gets great gas mileage (34 miles to gallon last time I filled up) and has had many trips to/from Bunkerville and even Disneyland, San Francisco and the California Coast. Love my little car.

*Bought a house - Ok so this is more like 8 years ago but close enough. Mom and Dad helped me to buy a house and Jessie and Brian (my husband now but my boyfriend at the time) became roommates and had a lot of fun. We landscaped the front yard (with the help of Mom, Dad and Uncle Steve) moving a mountain of rock. Brian did a great job with the lawn, plants, and irrigation. Only blew the backflow converter 3 years in a row before we figured out what we were doing. Now we are doing the back yard, little by little, but it is starting to come together finally. Brian and I just laid out some brick tiles for a temporary resting place for my fire pit. We hope to have it blazing next week and hopefully Jessie can come back and chill with us out there.

So that pretty much is it. I will add some pictures to the post in the next week or so. You can then really tell the difference.

Until next time.....Remember to stop and smell the roses, they are a blessing from the Lord :)

July Update

Ah, here I am again writing another update. At least this time it is only a month from the last time.

So it looks like the last I wrote Dad just got here and Mom was handing over the care of Jessie to him. Mom left the Monday after 4th of July and it is has been a crazy 3 weeks to say the least.

Jessie got sick again and had high potassium in her system. It was so high that the nurses had to have her taken up to the Telemetry department to try to get it under control. Potassium naturally lives in your blood but having too much can cause a lot of problems, especially with your heart. It can cause people to go into cardiac arrest. Thank goodness that the nurse (who were in the Neuro unit and they have all had Jessie under their care at one time or another) realized that she wasn't acting normal and had blood work done. So she went to Telemetry. She had just started doing the chemo pill again, Temadar. Reading online it seems that chemo can also casue the potassium problem as it destroys cells; that is how it fights against cancer. So to me, in my non-medical opinion, was sick due to the chemo.

Later that week the doctors told Dad that there was nothing else left to do for her and that we should think about her end of life plans. WHAT!!! The doctors felt that she wasn't getting better and that he mental capacity had reached its limits; to them there was nothing left for them to do. So Dad called me at work and was upset, which of course anyone would be upset. He said the doesn't want to see Jessie suffer. I understand that, and I get that. But what is going on with the hospital?!? To me she was getting better.

So the next day I asked to see Dr Morgan, Jessie's Neurosurgeon and who had been on her case since day 1. I told him that I had to hear what was going on from him. He explained the situation and said that the doctors felt there wasn't much more they could do for her. I said that right now Jessie has two problems; one is that her body is so weak and can't fight the infections and two she has a tumor. I felt that getting her off the chemo and giving her body a chance to get better would be what I wanted. Daddy said it was my decision so I asked to have her stop the chemo for a week and allow her body to get better. Dr Morgan said he would do that and we could go from there.

Now, I am not a parent but I am a sister. Jessie is my best friend, my partner in crime. I have done everything with her. I cannot let her go. I cannot give up. I know that it is selfish of me to ask for her to keep going but I know in my heart and in my soul that this was not the end. The doctors were telling me to take her home and let her pass. To me that meant to let her go home and die from a bladder infection or high potassium, things that they can fix! So that was what we were left with. My hopes were....

1) She gets better but cannot do chemo. In that case she comes home and lives the rest of her days at home surrounded by her loved ones and her favorite things.

2) She gets better and does chemo. At least that way we keep fighting.

3) She doesn't get better at all. We at least tried what we could and take her home to pass.

So, we get Jessie stabilized and finally have her moved back to the Neuro unit. The doctors want her to go to the Oncology Unit. I told them that she cannot go back there. I didn't like the treatment she go there before and that the nursing staff in the Neuro unit knows her and we (Dad and I) would be more comfortable with her being with people we trust.

She went back and gets stronger. She becomes more alert and aware of what is going on. She still has her feeding tube because doesn't eat much and is still really sleepy.

And then, the Oncologist comes by and talks to her without running it past us....

He tells Jessie that she either has to think about going to Hospice Care or continue with her chemo treatments. He tells her at 8:30am. She sits alone for 2 hours before my dad comes to visit with her during the day. She says nothing. I come after work around 5:30pm and then Dad leaves. Then she starts crying and Lacey and I don't know what is going on. Then she tells us what the doctor said. At first I am kind of shocked and had to question her since sometimes I am not sure what she says happened really happened. But she is upset.

With tears in our eyes I explain to her that this is her life; her journey to travel the path God has given her and that we can only hold her hand and walk beside her. I tell her that if she is tired and doesn't want to fight anymore then we will take her home and see where it goes from there. And I tell her how selfish I am that I don't want her to leave me and that I want her to fight. So I ask her what she wants to do. And what does she say? "I want the damn drugs! I am not ready to give up! I want to fight!!!" So I told her I will let Daddy know and we will start the chemo next week.

So last Tuesday (7/19) she got her first dose of Avastin. It is stronger chemo that is given through her IV and is a 90 minute session. She gets the chemo once every other week through the IV. I was expecting her to be worse than when taking the pill but she has done so well! She perked up and even started to crave food. We actually had the feeding tube removed! She is stronger everyday and alert and aware. She is almost back to her sassy self. Of course she has some days where she is really tired and sleepy but for the most part she is doing better.

I feel that God helped me to make the right choice. I know that Dad was having a really hard time with everything and maybe he lost hope. But I didn't and I won't. I have been with Jessie everyday since this started and I know that she still has that spark, that drive to beat this. For whatever reason I feel that if she can get through this, she will be ok by September. I know that the doctors are somewhat shocked at this turn around and they still don't have the hope we do. But you know what? I won't let the doctors crush my hope, my passion for her to get better. All I can do is pray and I do that everyday, along with lots of friends, family, communities everywhere! My friend in India prays for Jessie and me; our friends in Australia pray for us! Every voice counts and I know it. We are truly blessed and I am grateful everyday.

So that is it for now. I will share a few pictures of Jessie from the other day when we went outside. This was before the feeding tube was removed. She is just as photo-genic as always :)